Lorem ipsum, Morty. We all wanna die, we’re meeseeks! Morty, I’m a drunk, not a hack. You have to turn them on Morty! The shoes need to be turned on! This is Principal Vagina. No relation.

Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal? Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I’m having a conversation with my mother here! Kissing Rick’s ass isn’t gonna make him stay, Mom, but it will help you lose everyone else. I was just killing some snaked up here like everyone else, I guess, and finishing the Christmas lights. You created a day care for my dad?

Do you know how many characters there are in the Simpsons Morty? There’s like a-a billion characters, M-Morty. There was an episode where Former President BUSH was their neighbor! Let’s be post-apocalyptic scavengerrrrsss! Merchandise Morty, your only purpose in life is to buy & consume merchandise and you did it, you went into a store an actual honest to god store and you bought something, you didn’t ask questions or raise ethical complaints you just looked into the bleeding jaws of capitalism and said ‘yes daddy please’ and I’m so proud of you, I only wish you could have bought more, I love buying things so much Morty. Why don’t you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah you can’t. They blew up.

Hi! Principal Vagina: the name’s real, possibly Scandinavian. We all wanna die, we’re meeseeks! It takes, like, 78 years to hang a dragon to death. That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.

I’ll be with Reuben in my workshop while you guys are having another day in Phil Collin’s proverbial paradise. Awwww thanks, bitch! Like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street Morty? You know what those guys do in their fancy board rooms? They take their balls and dip ’em in cocaine and wipe ’em all over each other. You know Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public because grandpa isn’t shady. No! Look away! I’m making an egg, Mom! Ugh…! I’m making an egg!

What is this, 90’s Conan? It’s been six hours. Dreams move one… one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So y’know, every day here is like a minute. It’s like Inception, Morty, so if it’s confusing and stupid, then so is everyone’s favorite movie. Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here’s something that’s never happened before—I’m a pickle! I’m Pickle Ri-i-i-ick! Shadow Jacker, you haven’t come out of your masturbation cave in eons!

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